Not Your Fault

It’s Not Your Fault

“I’m sorry you guys,” her voice repeats in my mind. She said she was sorry. Like it was her fault, like she could prevent it. It’s not your fault Mom…

I can remember everything that happened at that moment. It’s almost frozen in time. A single, horrible memory, that won’t go away. I was thinking ‘why her?’ Why did she have to stand in front of her two children and tell us that she has Huntington’s Disease? She looked at us and said sorry for the disease that had been in her genes since birth. She had no way of knowing that she had it.

In case you didn’t know, Huntington’s is a rare disease. The only way you can have it is if your parent had it. Children of a Huntington’s patient have a fifty/fifty chance of having the disease too. You are born with it and there is no cure. Unless you get tested you won’t realize you have it until around your late thirties. Huntington’s causes your mind to deteriorate, or in simpler terms, you start to loose control of yourself. Some signs that you might see are uncontrollable shaking, memory loss, stuttering or slurring of words, and reactions are a lot slower. The biggest sign is a rise in the anger level. The disease causes the patient to be very moody and unpredictable.

The scariest part about it all is that one day I might have to tell my children that I have Huntington’s. My children telling their children, and so on in a never ending circle. One day my children might be writing a paper just like I’m doing now. It’s creepy to look into my future and see me in my mother’s position. I see myself looking down at my children with tears in my eyes, just like my mother had to. My mother’s fate effects how I now look upon my life. Things seem different now, yet nothing is different. I want to be able to look into my future and see how my life will play out. I want to prepare myself for what is to come. I want to be able to understand what might or might not be inside of me.

When my mother told me that she had the disease I didn’t know much about it. I remember wondering what it meant, what would be different. I knew that my grandfather had the disease, so did my aunt, but not my mom. There was no way my mom could have it. Her test results came in early, so it was a slap in the face when she told me. I wasn’t expecting it at all. In fact I was angry because when they told me they had to talk to me I thought I was in trouble. I was mad that she was going to ground me or make me clean my room.

I remember her telling my brother and me to sit at the table. I was in the process of making a sandwich and she told me to bring everything to the table and eat while we talked. I made my sandwich and started to eat it. My brother sat across from me looking up at my parents. He had that, ‘I didn’t do it’ look on his face. I was mad at him too, because I knew that he’d get away with whatever he was in trouble for. I was mad at all of them, and I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t of had thoughts of anger when my mom needed me the most.

I guess my point is that I’m sorry. One moment before she told me she had the disease I was mad at her. I was angry for something as stupid as having to clean my room or getting grounded. I can’t help feeling that I owe her something, like I hurt her in the worst possible way. All I can give her is my love. I know that it doesn’t change anything, but it does help.

I remember the darkness outside the house. It contributed to my feelings, my want for understanding of what was going on. What was going to happen. Everything seemed so unreal within the house. Time stopped, for a single moment, everything froze. I remember the words, the way they weakly fell from her lips and into my memory.

“I’m sorry you guys,” her voice repeats in my mind. She said she was sorry. Like it was her fault, like she could prevent it. It’s not your fault Mom…

Willow's Pixie

www.willowsrealm.com/notyourfault.html

Apology

There is great strength in an apology;
For both the recipient, and the giver.

A learning experience received by both -
it empowers when properly delivered.

A suitable cleansing of one's soul
conditions a good peaceful mind.

Outrage, anger and offense
are all inadvertently cast aside.

To love oneself is desirable and
required for a healthy maturation.

Endowed with gentle humility -
one is completely assured of acceptation.

© 2006...™NillaSwirl

www.willowsrealm.com/apology.html

Keeper of the Flowers

"Please don't pick the flowers"
the little girl replied
she knelt beside them, lovingly
then, let out with a sigh

"They have a right to stand here
"she turned her little face
and looked up at me, thoughtfully
intent with such distaste

"Sissy...she likes this one"
she pointed to the ground
her face was all aglow with love
what a happy child I'd found

we sat and talked for hours
this little girl, and I
the time had come, I had to leave
I hated to say goodbye

As I arose and started to go
she took me by the hand
her touch sent chills right thru me
I could barely stand

The love I felt, had touched her
had given her no surprise
as if she willed it to happen
I gazed into her eyes

"Remember, don't pick the flowers"
the little girl said, with a smile
as I turned and started to leave
so lost in thought over this child

As I strolled I saw the girl,
from the corner of my eye,
duck behind this headstone
that loomed 'gainst the bright blue sky

and as I drew near, I got a glimpse
of the photo imbedded in this tower...
I knelt as I said a little prayer
for the keeper of the flowers...

© ™NillaSwirl

* Dedicated to my little sister, Danielle O'Dette Backus...who sadlylost her life in a car accident on Sept.4th,1968

http://www.willowsrealm.com/keeperoftheflowers.html

Linwe's Prayer

Grandfather...hear me...

Envelop me and bring me back

to the ways of our people

Comfort me in your soothing essence

and heal my heart and soul.

Let my soul ride

on the wind...and search no more.

Let this heart feel

no pain...as I embrace

the comfort of You...

Grandfather...I know the ways

for I was born to them.

My blood flows amply

on this land, so precious...

that my ancestors fought

so bravely to preserve.

I am...and shall always be

a child of this Earth.

So precious is this land

which you provided for us

to care for...beloved One.

Every blade of grass...

every tiny seed...every living

thing, praises you...echoing

your Greatness...and should I do

any less? I think not.

For what am I...but a tiny

bit of existence in this world;

and oh, how I thank you, Great One...

As I leave this lodge

I leave behind the pain

and sorrows and look to

a brighter tomorrow...for

all around me,

is the Essence of You.

As the Morrow brings forth

the new day...so shall I...

bring forth a new me...as I look

around and feel the Wonder of you.


http://www.willowsrealm.com/linwesprayer.html

Much More

You tell of my life, my hopes, and my dreams -

you map my future, my plans, and my schemes;

You tell of stories, and treasure, untold -

you are the passion, when my mind unfolds;

and where I may go, you shall also be -

to capture the moments that are totally me;

and thru your terse body, I’ll continue to live -

thru your sweeping motion, I’ll continue to give;

for you’ve been my comrade, from beginning - to end,

my conscience - my forte - much more than a pen...

© ™NillaSwirl

http://www.willowsrealm.com/muchmore.html

All I See Is You

Come into my existence.
Shower me with love…
Thrill me with your gentle touch
come now, let's make love.

Hold me to your body
As you've never done before.
Show me that you need me…
Make me want you more.

Touch my inner senses.
Please me with your charms.
Fulfill my very being…
Hold me in your arms.

Pleasure me 'til morning…
and into another night.
Give me all your passion…
make me know it's right.

Lay with me forever…
For no matter what you do…
There'll never be another…
For all I see…is you.

© ™NillaSwirl

http://www.willowsrealm.com/alliseeisyou.html

Welcome to My Blogspot on the Web.
As most of you may know, my passion in life (other than my family) is writing. POETRY, to be exact; although I have written many short stories that I have never published. Who knows, that may very well be my next adventure.Here is link to my site http://www.willowsrealm.com/ which is filledwith original poetry, free e-cards, photos of my family; and guest poets.